Thursday, July 23, 2020

Dear AutoDuctape

Dear AutoDuctape, lose the apostrophes already and the random capitalization act really has to go. You're batting 99% wrong 99% of the time. Most common nouns are not TM products. They're simple-minded nouns. You know, person, place or thing? We're talking about things here. Objects.

Ditto that for simple plurals. Sometimes an S is just an S. For reals. (Im surprised you didn't try and apostrosize that last word. You must be slipping. I mean, migawd, reals is not even a real word. Neither is apostrosize but that's above your paygrade.) But I digress.

Dear AutoCorrect, where the hell are you? On an extended coffee break? See my above note to AutoDictate. Just because a common noun has an S on it, it doesn’t need an apostrophe. You do know what a common noun is, don’t you? A thing?

Here's the thing, common nouns are rarely sentient beings in need of claiming ownership to the next word in line. This is not a claim-jumper apostrophe bonanza. FYI, apostrophes generally designate ownership. They're possessive little buggers screaming mine mine mine.

I can see you missed that lesson in second grade. You must’ve been absent that day. Not everything is owned by someone. But I can clearly see that you were there for the blanket apostrophe lesson. S = 's. Knees do not take apostrophes. Just saying. Not even Colin Kaepernick's knees.

And while I’m at it, not every noun is a commercial TM product either. Sometimes things are just things ordinary and plain. All this aggressive over-capitalization has driven me around the bend. I mean, random words I would never consider capitalizing, there you go, capitalizing them mid-sentence. And leave the fecking verbs alone. Stet.

And when I try to correct your autocorrection, you insist on capitalizing it again and again. Daft choices, I might add. Why not just give up the ghost? And let me win once and a while. After all, it is my thought process, not yours. You’d make a pretty shitty copy editor is all I can say. And your bedside manner is a little too al fresco.

I’ve had to turn off the capitalization aspect on my iPad because it’s so wacky. But it seems that it’s an all-or-nothing fuckalooza on Facebook and Messenger. In other words, If I disable the auto capitalization function, then you won’t capitalize anything at the beginning of a sentence, not even the word I.

I've watched you correctly capitalize a word, then change your mind. Feckless comes to mind. We all don’t want to emulate e.e. cummings. it’s already been done. You should really keep your day job. Whatever that is. And then when I actually want you to capitalize a word, you’re out to lunch.

And what’s with not flagging those extra lower case orphan random ms and extra gs dangling like worms on hooks that I type at the end of gerunds and -ing words. Can I scream MISTAKE here? Go for it. This is what you were meant to do. This is your real job. Yet you happily flag my vocabulary and change it all the time to the oddest possible concoctions.

Yes, I really do mean, divisive, not decisive. Look it up. It’s a real word. Changing it back to decisive three times in a row isn't going to fly. I get that English is hard but I am not indecisive with language.

Insisting that those polysyllabic Latinate words firmly entrenched in the OED since, say, the Norman Conquest, are misspelled, or worse, the wrong word, another random word will get you nowhere with me. We're on rocky footing here. Sometimes I wonder if you're being divisive, or are you merely dumber than a cyberstump in the holodeck of time.

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