Tuesday morning, I had a nagging feeling that someone I knew, a friend had died. I had a purple ribbon, a lost streamer from someone's funeral wreath I found blowing across a lawn, in my car for ages. I'm partial to purple. I had tossed it into the recycle box weeks ago, but it kept finding its way back out onto the floor.
So I picked the ribbon up off the floor and washed the mud off of it, trying not to think of graveyards, and hung it to dry on my Celtic music CD rack. it's just a ribbon, I said. Maybe I can reuse it. I felt a shock. Death wants it back. Stupid. Don't be superstitious, I said to myself. Someone walking on a grave, my inner voice said. It's just a purple satin ribbon, I said aloud. Nothing more. I will repurpose it, I said.
The day before, while at work, I felt suddenly and inexplicably sad. Body blows. Like a freight train had hit me. I was weak-kneed. I could barely get through my shift. I looked at the clock: 3 PM. 4 PM. I blamed a virus.
I remembered the dead: Boschka Layton came to mind. I told a co-worker how we shared the hospice and right before she died, and how I got so sick, so fast—bronchitis. Death can do that. Something about the past was haunting me. I didn't feel good, I went home early and cancelled my Tuesday morning class.
A restless night. I slept in late—something I never do. I was haunted by dreams I couldn't remember. I didn't get the news until Tuesday that Chris Caswell died at his home on Monday, during the same time I was feeling the weight of death upon me, wondering who had died.
My grandmother always heard knocks at the door when someone died. Not me. Mercifully. Don't let birds come into the house, she said. It invites death in.