Coronavirus advice

The best coronavirus prevention strategy is to not touch anything, and to wash your hands early and often with soap and hot water. Be more like Dr. McDreamy, or Lady MacBeth—lather for a good minute. If you’re not sure how long a minute is, sing the entire Happy Birthday song as you scrub. Don’t cheat by singing it too fast. Lives may depend upon it. It goes without saying, don’t shake hands. Instead, sing Hand Jive, and bump elbows. Don’t touch your face—we touch our faces upward of 90 times a day. That’s how most viruses are transmitted, running that index finger across your itchy nose, or ramming said finger up it, and, no, you can’t use your pinkie instead. Also avoid rubbing your eyes, or donning that classic thinker’s chin-in-hand pose. Don’t touch strangers, strange hands, knuckle, or knee-knocking is OK, strange pens, or pencils, doorknobs, door jambs, light switches, or handrails, bannisters, etc. And, no, that hand sanitizer is not a very effective preventative. Worse, it provides a false sense of security. Purell has been chastised by WHO for false advertising. Hand sanitizer needs to be at least 60% alcohol in order to have any effect at all—not 60 proof. And, no, you can’t drink it. Try some elderberry wine, or a Corona beer with lime, instead, you’ll be happier for it. So will Corona, which is losing sales because of this virus. According to the CDC, and WHO, wearing a mask If you’re healthy, is unnecessary—unless an infected person sneezes on you—and then you’re way too close. You’ll just overheat, but it will keep your hands away from your face. Ditto that with rubber gloves. A Darth Vader mask is a plus. If all else fails, try rubbing your fingers with hot chili peppers as a reminder to not touch your face. Avoid crowds. Vigorously defend your three feet of personal space in public, but remember, using samurai swords and cattle prods are frowned upon in public. Claymores are way over the top. Social distancing is really a thing.

And no, the virus is not a Democratic plot or hoax to derail the election. And for gawd sakes, don’t kiss the cat. It’s already traumatized enough as it is. And add pangolins to that no-kiss list.

(My photo is of the El Cerrito car wash, at least my car is all scrubbed up. Scalpel!) —Maureen Hurley