Journal entry, 11/6 John Oliver Simon, Teresa and Sean, Guatemala

My neighbor is moving, tossing out lots of books. Always desperate for an interesting read, I scrounge through her growing bookpile in the dumpster. After all, this is how I found out about Douglas Adams and hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Mostly college catalogs and a book about asexual relationships. The play, She stoops to conquer. 

A blue notebook like the kind John uses. It says RJ Moon on the outside. Reverend Moon? Small tightass handwriting, science notes to page 59. Genetic engineering. Not my neighbor’s. Did she borrow it? How unfortunate the name, RJ Moon. Probably Robert John, not Reverend James. College catalogs for Oregon, Southern California, good old Whittier and redneck republicanism. Social low-calorie IQ and a catalog for Swarthmore. 

Will I jump anytime there’s a reference to John however indirect? Do I care that he graduated with the highest honors? Was it there he hardened into the habit of falling in and out of love every few years? I talk with Teresa and Sean, friends from the gringo trail, they reminded me that we tried to break up last fall as well. That said, it seems to be a pattern that hits a lot of people after heavy travel. 

Last year, we had to stick it out because of the abortion. This year, there is no excuse, no reason, only ourselves. They said they’ve been going through that too. Sean says medical school is worse than travel for putting strain on relationships. They didn’t seem too concerned, like this was another phase.Teresa did recommend to book on the changing couple, especially since John has a higher rate of switching partners. 

Hugh’s parents were married eight times, and his wife won’t let him walk away from it. John‘s card came yesterday, he writes about the emptiness inside his girlfriend niche, and the emptiness where I am space that specific Ness of who I am, the companion, the friend. He says he admires my mind, my creativity, who I am but can’t live with me because he can’t live with himself. He asks should I have been more direct about breaking up? Yes. But more than that, you didn’t have to break up to work through this. Asshole.

Lynn Watson tells me it’s hideous out there. All the men are schmucks. I worry about aids and trying to find a reasonably intelligent man who is compatible, who will push me further. John doesn’t have to prove he’s smart. He has a degree that is well documented. Rhodes scholar that he is. I, on the other hand, I’m always plagued with doubt and insecurity because of my dyslexia. I’m not trained academically. I did go to school and got my degrees but it was wasn’t exactly challenging. 

I need to be in the presence of minds burning bright as my own. In the presence of James Burke,I felt I was in the presence of a burning mind and it fired off so many sparks I could barely keep up, and I loved it. I loved the challenge. I worry about finding such a mind again. Teresa and Sean said they will be up in February and would like to have dinner with us, could we behave ourselves? They said they’ll just duck when the knives get flung. They said they were used to that sort of thing. February seems like such a long way off.