I did spend some time on the phone with a Steve, Stephan Torre, that is, who I've used as a guest artist for many of my CAC residencies. He is also someone I’ve been interested in for ages. It cooled its heels since I didn’t see him very much other than at occasional readings. And life carried on.
When I got back from South America I did contact Steve. I noticed that I am way less interested now, he also informed me he’s got a girlfriend of seven years, and is living in Inverness. I was stunned. He had kept that from me. Why? This man who once kissed me. I was even more shocked when he said he was going through a rocky romance, similar to me and John. Maybe too much sharing isn't a good thing.
Last night I told him about John‘s letter. He paused his usual mile a minute yabber, and was strangely silent. Sometimes he’s a steamroller, and you can’t get a word in edgewise when he gets on a roll. I’ve long since learned to interrupt him. Otherwise we don’t have conversations. He talks and I listen and I don’t much like that. Anyway, he said he was going through stuff too, and there were many uneasy silences. Dangerous territory all around.
Anyway, my first initial to Steve was attraction, to his brawn, to his husky maleness. Like John, like Geoff, like Lee. It’s a physical body type that I’m attracted to, macho, God help me. Steve is a couple of years older than John and that is not good. John and I really felt that 10 year age difference emotionally.
When Steve and John and I were sitting by the hammock last March, after school, drinking wine and beer, I tried to undo my steadfast attraction for him. He’s older, his hair is thinning, he’s a little overweight, he’s a bit of a blue streak talker, somewhat opinionated. I could get into trouble, but it’s those pauses, those hesitancies, when he’s a bit awkward and gauche that I like him best. That unsocialized vulnerable side.
I’ve only seen him with a few people and he seems to like people, but he’s very busy. I had the gut feeling he’s not right for me, like with John, but I can’t help but being attracted to. Like I said, the attraction is much less strong now but we will see on the 15th when he comes to Matanzas, and Mark West School as my guest artist, if there’s still any of that animal magnetism.
He’s a representative of my rough pioneer side, we’ve had so many similar experiences. He’s a mountain man type, like Geoff who didn’t have his act together. Alcohol, weed and no creative outlet. But Steve, Lee, and John all strong writers with their act together. Professional, that’s what I mean. I find it attractive.
But I feel so sad. They were so many things I still wanted to do with John. And then this all happened so suddenly. One moment I think we will stick it out for a while longer, work through the shit and the next moment I’m out in the cold. No warning in the sense that we’ve always been on the edge. I figured it was another crisis that we’d weather through. But I like working on stuff, getting deeper.
*. *. *
Susan Kennedy said, good riddance. He’s a player. You lost the spark that is uniquely you this past year. I don’t think you’ve ever recovered from your abortion. He wasn’t giving you what you needed. I sobbed and sobbed keeping the phone away from my snotty nose. Who would’ve thought so much pain? No matter what, one can’t prepare for this, even if you know you will separate eventually.
Susan pushing me to find someone who will give me what I need, including a baby. I’m still uncertain about the baby issue. I cannot stand watching them being born on those TV documentaries. I am filled with disgust. Anything to do with young babies makes me uncomfortable and uneasy, heightened by my hanging out with John, the avoidance syndrome. I don’t like it one someone foists a newborn into my arms.
I complain to Susan about the men who interest me. Are they all players? Like Jim Byrd? Susan laughed and said well, they’re all very interesting but a part of them never grows up. They can’t just love one woman. They don’t know what love is.
And I say that I’m worried the only men I am interested in are players and she says no, you’re looking for the one, the one you can settle down with. You need so much more than what they have to offer. You would not have stayed with John for three years if you only went for the players. Give it time, you’ll find someone who will give you what you need. You still got time. Take care of yourself. You do something nice, something physical.
I tell her of my crazy dream of anonymous cocks all lined up in a row and me trying to get rubbers on all of them, only to come back to a sea of deflated cocks. I don’t want to catch AIDS and yes the moment has a magical quality but the risks are far too great. Ergo, I am a horny celibate.
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