Epic epi-pen battle

I went out and fought all afternoon with the old juniper hedge in the driveway, more dead than alive, cleaning out the understory, decades of garbage and debris. Now I am having trouble breathing—suddenly remembering how allergic I am to juniper, and cursing the man who stole my car along with my last expired, but still usable Epi-pen in it.

I'm coughing a lot, dark brown taste at the back of the throat, but so far, no throat swelling. Lots of throat clearing—and swearing. The symptoms will pass, but it sure pisses me off. I usually carry a pen and hope never to use it. Last time I cleaned the hedges out was during the late 1990s. I didn't even think of spiders. Luckily, no bites. That would've really fixed my wagon. The hedge put me over the edge. I once was attacked by an entire hive of enraged paper wasps, my donkey stepped in a gopher hole, where they had hidden their nest, so I’m overly sensitive to stings and insect bites.

When I tried to replace my stolen Epi-pen, I was quoted $800 and change, nearly double the insurance value of my car. Talk about sticker-shock. My last Epi-pen cost me $15. Generally pissed off at that cock-eyed Mylan woman who raised the price of adrenaline to the stratosphere. May she one day be in need of an Epi-pen and may none be available, because no one can afford one—she who raised the price 800-fold for nothing more than greed.

I heard because of the petition and general public outcry, there will be a generic Epi-pen released. The company’s “solution” in the face of overwhelming public outcry is to offer a half-off coupon. But it has not lowered the price ONE CENT. Even at $300 it's obscene, as they cost about a dollar to make. People are going to Canada to get Epi-pens and insulin. And some folks are constructing their own adrenalin kits using insulin needles. Mylan, stop price-gouging the millions of people who need an Epi-pen to save their lives because they have a severe allergic reaction. Petition.

One time I reacted badly to a wasp sting, it immediately swelled to grapefruit size, even with icing it, which means trouble. I will do anything to avoid adrenalin. So I self-medicated, took an allergy pill, gargled a half bottle of liquid Benadryl, and drank lots of ice water, took a cold shower, grabbed bag of ice, and parked outside Memorial Hospital to outwait it. Took about an hour for the swelling in my throat to subside. And to think of nothing but mortal thoughts.

Meanwhile I'm swigging Benadryl, and taking cold showers, cultivating cold thoughts, Theraflu, huh? Needless to say, I never drink gin. Off my list. I am steaming mad, and wanting to kick some shins. But first, I want to breathe normally again.

Fast forward this story to 2020, Jack Gilder gave me one of his late wife’s Epi-pens. Thanks to Jack, I’ve an Epi-pen again, all decked out in a wasp color-themed black and yellow case. May I never need to use it. My favorite part of this updated story with Jack, is that his wife never used hers either, but once saved a person’s life with her epi-pen. Gave me goosebumps.