Friday, April 25, 2003

Fidelity of the heart


Dogface violets, heart's ease in the lawn, small faces waiting for sunrise, turned toward the east, toward that softer danger, the sun, that eye, a merciless glare in some other desert, but in this lawn, the suburbs, stolen beauty trembles amid the green.

And the idea of home, or, being homeless, that irrational fear of losing the hearth when the heart itself is lost. Heart's ease—as if there were a remedy for that.

I cannot go back to who I was, and who I've become, is mysterious, but this stasis is no longer acceptable. Women absorbed language differently than men; men don't love as deeply as women…

Is it biochemical? Are we hard so hardwired? And no, I don't want to be self-indulgent, I don't want to indulge this pain and suffering but when a man threatens you with that final sentence...

My mind dwells on the salmon-colored steps, midafternoon, where the lemons glisten with inconstant suns, the sour aftertaste at the back of the throat, unbearable. 

And I know that I'm only barely maintaining a façade as civilization slips from my shoulders like a pashima shawl. Make that Rapunzel's hair falling down to the garden gate so the man can climb up to win her. 

It's all there, the pain and the suffering, only we don't see it because it's a fairytale where belief is suspended like the perpetually right pears or apples waiting for someone to pluck them and take a bite.

Then, the symbolism comes home. And these words are secret dewdrop after the rain. Or perhaps, unshed tears. Sooner or later everyone tells on themselves. And the cruelty of lovers towards their beloved knows no boundaries.

April showers: the old song, raindrops keep falling on my…
Gene Kelly dancing in the rain, in the flower of his career, celluloid history. And then it becomes instant replay at the movies – persistent showtunes tyrannize the mind, take no prisoners especially Babs. 

I don't care if half the drag queens want to be funny girls like Lady Chablis in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, because the rest of them all want to be Cher. The retirement show clichés keep falling from my head. 

Even the cat, hungry for lap, clichés herself to Diana's leg. Mine! Mine! That look of utter ownership. We once had a cat who, upset with the rain, went to each door and each window, hoping for a sea change. I can relate to that.

Meanwhile out in the yard, plants gathered at the rain into a pagan ritual of floribunda. Emma Thompson in Howard's End touching the blossoms, the lilac, the catulpa are magnificent candles of butterflied flowers. Lighting up the dreary day with the radiance impossible to define. Otherworldly and for an instant the catulpa was transformed into a vast candelabra glistening with April rain. 

Spring: new beginnings, death of old patterns, the letting go requires faith that spring will return. not pass me over, leaving me back in the winter, and an intermittent love is no love at all. Stormwatch: fingers of rain drumming on the untamed sea of the heart. 

A musical in C sharp.

4/25/2003
Writers' Group

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

EASTER EVE


EASTER EVE

Meanwhile, somewhere over the Rockies,
all that easily-earned green is beginning to disappear
as rain turns to snow at higher elevations.
Coastal spring recedes back into winter mountains.

Hell’s Gate. Helena. Lewis and Clark slept here.
What about Sakajawea? And the child nursing at her breast?
The dark thoughts of feathers hampered by rain.

If one listens with patience the old message still gets through.

As the plane descends, my mind won’t let go:
Though he still wears the angry colors of the tyrant’s robes,
he’s late in coming to that expansion of the soul.

The snow is falling like rice from a slow wedding sky.
Variations of white ride a landscape of inescapable rhythm.

The moon came up 50 minutes earlier than it did the night before.
The land of shining mountains: Montana. The Bitterroots, the Abskaroka.
What is truth? Beauty? If one knows how to listen.

When fall promised the salvation of darkness into the feather,
Chief of the Crows, Plenty Coups died at the age of 34.
On the bare tree, a hard leaf hangs on like a death sentence.
Red maple leaf encased in ice like a jewel for my foot to find
as I stepped from the heated van onto the truth of ice.

I’m not interested in the outcome where the loser gets the man.
I’m here to teach the children about poetry.

An Arab mathematician said: One is the first figure of endless numbers.
What about zero, null and void? and the negative nimbers?
If one listens with patience the old message still gets through.

After the stroke, Ram Dass sits in the darkening shadow of long evening.
The mind..., he says. The mind. Leaves rustle in the courtyard. The mind.
Silence. His eyes close, head tilted toward the stars, at a loss for words.

First gathering of words on the lips: ma ma ma ma
I am, I am: said the tang and surcease of the sea.
I exist, therefore I am. I yam what I yam. (Yogi Berra).
I stood there in front of his house, you know,
I just stood there looking at a closed door. Cogito ergo sum.

One tear met another floating down the river.
Said the first tear: I am the tear of the woman who lost her love.
Said the other: I am the tear of the woman who got him. (Chinese)
The wind nibbles at the corner of the eye.

The slow breathing of long distance rain on the hills.
That’s what poetry is. Simple, elegant: Occam’s Razor.

Tonal languages: ma = horse, ma = woman, ma = scold, ma = grass.
It’s all in how you say it and the context it is given.

Somewhere out there is the river. Yellow stone.
Little Bighorn. Greasy Grass. The Powder, the Little Powder.
53,000 miles of stream bed: each chooses one sea over the other.
The Great Divide. If a tear falls in each stream, then what?

Einstein discovered the flow of time is relative to the observer.
I carry a photo with me for when I need to restore what was lost.

I am the despair of the sand speaking in razor-sharp tongues.
The wind drives me from the crests of mountains to the depths of the sea.

Plenty Coups said education is your most powerful weapon.
With it, you are the white man’s equal.
Without it, you are his victim.
He saw it was time to change.

Time is relative to the observer.

The search for truth is hard, or it is easy. If one listens.
It is evident no one can master it fully or miss it wholly.
From all the facts assembled, there arises a certain grandeur. (Aristotle)

The sum of what is equal to the rate of decay.
Ancient Babylonians studied algebra, and they didn’t survive, see?
What is the half-life of a marriage?

There is a natural poetry in common names.
Read the names of the towns and cities, of the creeks and rivers.
Read them aloud. There is a pattern, a kind of folk-music in itself,
alive with a beauty that is sometimes smooth singing,
sometimes sharp as a trapper’s knife.

When she was a girl, Helena’s brother always carried her to the cornfields before dinner. He’d pick the ears of corn and then hand them to her. They were small suns resting in her arms. Fifty years later, he went to answer the phone and found he’d misplaced his speech inside the ear of the Trojan horse, alongside the weapons of the stroke. But those ears of corn whispered a poem in her ear, whispering the words she never said, and he could only mutely acknowledge her, nodding his head to her poem whispering in his ear. Cornlight.

Abskaroka: hides a tongue. Absa- large beaked bird.
Crow tongue: Shoshone: stinking water. Headwaters of the Missouri.
Ah-mah-tahro-shosh-sher: The stream that scolds all others.
Gros vendre, big muddy crow. Pick the eyes out of the fallen.
Missoula: issoul: horrible (Hell’s Gate) Annus horriblis.
Assinaboine: stone boilers. The loose-tongued music of the river.

At the Talking Tongue, the crookedest stream in Montana,
they named Sakajawea’s son, Baptiste.

Amor non tenet ordinem. Who is listening?
Love is a drowning in flood waters. (9th c. Irish).
Terra nullis. To walk, in Maylay, is to eat the wind.

When Plenty Coups died, the Crow decided no one could take his place
so they never again elected a chief. Where does that put us? With Carter?
On the bare tree, a hard leaf hangs on like a death sentence.

I inherited my mother’s hatred of her name. Not Helen. Maureen.
Why did she name me thus? Am I She of the sea? The Morríghan?
The great warrior queen stood raven-shouldered at the hero’s fall.
The Morríghan with the head of a crow and a taste for men’s eyes.
Her breasts were Trojan horses filled with shining cancer.

Fort Keogh: Captain Myles Keogh’s horse, Comanche, survived Little Bighorn.
They found him tearing the greasygrass—grass so rich, it would fatten a stone.
Garyowen, the marching song of the Cavalry.  Sean, south of...where?
A long way from home in any language, where are ye now?
The Morríghan found you here too.

William Blake was the son of an Irish hosier.
At the age of four, he saw God in an apple tree.

Timothy Leary turned his death into a media event, Ram Daas said:
We met as adventurers. People wanted wisdom from TIm. He was just playing his role.

What of Heremon, the King of Spain?

CuChulainn, Hound of Ulster, read the red hand.

Life, being what it is, one dreams of revenge. (Gauguin)

Epona , horse of strength and beauty; both male and female.
Rhiannon, The Morríghan, ancestor goddess.

Tir gan teanga, tir gan anim:  A land without a tongue, a land without soul.

Spring came early one year, third grade teacher Bob Kappel found a confused Canada goose on the playground chasing students. Since he had a farm he took the goose home in the truck.

OK, so it was the 6th century, BC.
Pleasure is plural, pain is singular.
To see eternity in a grain of sand.

Well, the goose noticed the fence posts whizzing by and he wasn’t having to work his wings, and so he began to flap them in the truck cab. Bob had to pin him down in order to drive.

The lack of symmetry, known as CP violation says particles and anti-particles decay differently. But CP violation doesn’t account for the antimatter paradox.

He let the goose go with his other geese, but it took off again. However, the weather had warmed so much, south wasn’t such an urgency for the snowbird.

The number of astronomical units in a light year (63,240)
is virtually the same as the number of inches in a mile (63,360).

In the local paper: a missing goose ad. “Please help Freddie come home. Still missing, was last seen on 9th Street two weeks ago. Please call Mrs. Ida Richardson 628-6311.” Well, someone photocopied the ad, put it on the teacher’s room fridge with a note: “Leave it Kappel to get someone’s goose!”

Beware of synchronicity. Therein lies the way to madness.

What is the problem? The speed of thought is claimed to be 150 mph. Few are caught speeding.

(Bob once put Elmer’s glue in Sharon’s hand lotion and soap in her hair spray. and as the day progressed, her hair got flatter and flatter... But he didn’t marry her.)

Sakharov proposed the laws of physics were out of balance
favoring the existence of matter over anti-matter for some reason.

Circling the rim rock of Billings at sunset, under a full moon.

Myriad tongues of the Clark Fork, multiple channels,
white against the dark numberless islands, saying goodbye in all languages.
Airborne over Montana. Granite Peak rimes in cloud cap, lit by the rising moon.

You have to begin to lose your memory, if only in bits and pieces
to realize that memory is what makes our lives. (Bunel)

I can trace the course of the river canyons by strings of lights that begin like a lone flame cresendoing into a candelabra as it tumbles down the mountains to the Central Valley, a bathtub ring of light reestablishing the ancient shoreline of the Precambrian sea, as if the earth glowed from within.

There is no word for problem in Quechua.

The geometric patterns of industry and suburb like ideograms of light for the moon to see. Industry’s strange calligraphy abutting the edges of the hills, a spillage of light up the canyons, privileged herringbone of parking lots. The staring eye of stadiums long after the game’s over.

Stray renegade light slices the night as we descend, Dantesque. We bow before Moloch on this eve of Easter, a basilisk about to walk on water, but terra firma replaces water at the last minute...blue eyes to ward off evil greets us, guide us home to the portal.

4/23/03



Wednesday, April 16, 2003

SMALL VIEW, iii



SMALL VIEW, iii                                                                        
         —after Wislawa Szymborska                                            


1. Not content with things themselves,
we named small desires, translated them into stone.
The smithy’s forge transformed nameless dirt into iron,
stayed countless armies of sand into glass palaces.

At Zaandfort, we admired the slow hunger of glaciers
and the ceaseless appetite of the Rhine, carrying a payload
of what once was the secret heart of mountains.        

Midsummer: we stood on a dune above the North Sea,
talking of Caesar and philosophy, naming the intangible
sandwiched between schools of thought. Cogito ergo sum.

Things cannot stand for what they are,
without moniker or name as if we brought them into being
with our mad desire for definition. To think is to name.
At Descartes' huis we measured the ratio of shadow
to light and found it wanting within our own darkness.
Throwing stones at the shattered ego, an afterthought.


2. As Blake would say: to seek eternity in a grain of sand.
But then, he saw God in an apple tree when he was four
   and newly come to the naming of things.
How did he know God if there was not yet a name for it?
Was it verb or noun?

                           This naming: And God said...
sheds no more light than the man in the moon.
Yet we persist, we insist on this naming,
yet overlook the way warbled glass in the old house
imperfectly admits sunlight into a room.

Should we turn the windows upside down every 50 years?
Stand the rubric of time on its ear in order to see clearly?

3. We could name an aspect of time, call it slumped glass,
explain it with the poetics of physics: slow fluid
seeking gravity’s lips, admire rippled light cast onto skin,
a genesis of follicles and dappled shadows on the floorboards,
or imagine an ancestral memory of sea and sand and wind.

Appellation, cognomen, epithet.
We hammer and tong Latinate structure
into verb or into noun as it suits:
we designate it nom de guerre, nom de plume,
we call it pseudonym, or maybe nothing at all.

4/03; rev. 9/03 for Zimmerzine

DRAGOMAN

DRAGOMAN

what is faith writing me. spell it. fate. change it. furies. spare change for what future? what guide? what targumanu (from the Akkadian). I am remodeling my vocabularium to fit the need. what dreams are. Miranda’s island of cannibals. what brave new... we are busily writing into verb. into clay. what is writing me? writing it? the eye of fate? or the hand?

but the cat howling on the doorstep has faith that someone will come. starved for love. at the Richmond refineries: desert oil love. Vito interprets. the cat. only when I have people over. He doesn’t love me. is at war with a cat. what’s cat faith? pet, scratch, lap, fluff the kibble. oh, to sit in a window facing west, late afternoon. foghorn moans. cat tries every door, then all the screens. luck finds an open window. on the screen, he hangs a crucifixion of paw and fur. let you in from the night. let us in.

strange cat at the doorstep
politicking for love
foghorn moans in the distance


yellow hostages on legal paper, hold hostage the words. they can’t come unbidden. I was too busy pulling the energy up from my feet. out the head. a garden of tube worms beneath the Sea of Oman. call it meditation. call it visual blockage at the heart.. but not the head. a blue thread attached to the sky, dragonfly blue, mid-summer, make it Desolation Wilderness. what current man on what horizon? we are defined by. names of the past resurrected from memory. a blur of faces kissing my. but others came. call it faith. no time for coffins. handwriting on the wall.

Lent. who asks what did you give up? what holds the heart hostage? yellow paper & the black night of words leaking in. soldiers dying in what wheat field, what scarlet poppies dropping petals in the wind? in the name of. faith is a hostage, the sun in bondage from the night, from mortar shell. evil eye. all the blue of. and ramadan nights. the same river twice. I didn’t know I loved

yellow ribbons round sweet magnolias. the civil war. frankly...

Herodotus’ perfumed country. myrrh, frankincense. fires burn in front of the sandstorm, scattered they lay...the people lay in heaps ((2000 BC). what is caught between two rivers like a doe in the headlights, stepping over the slender shadows of her legs. like obverse sunbeams. we have crossed the Euphrates, we have crossed the Tigris. what will we have to do in order to bring ourselves home? what about them? what ransom on the skull of the world? I am clinging to the names of rivers, Hiddekal, al-Furat, Shatt al-Arab, Khazer, Diyala, the Zeb al-Khyber. . and the wadis.

Khyber Pass. skip the war bits & it’s a short read. get to the part where they go through the mountain. skip the war on prime time, on every channel, we’re all in bondage. we’re good at guilt. fast forward prisoners of lost trust. we look away from. don’t want to see. fruits of tradition: war and civilization. pause. winged bulls. the call of the muezzin. equinox, sandstorms have taken the sun hostage. firewells turn the sand into green glass. they found oil jugs of the crusaders.

clay tablets. abstract symbols opened the door to history. we learn the names of cities as old as civilization. where are the hanging gardens? a shift of fortune, the Euphrates banks. Solomon’s messenger bird. what about Mecca? 25,000 archaeological sites, less than 10% have been excavated. but the reign of war ended that legacy. Sargon’s bow unleashed the missile age. battalions seek heights, ziggurats. in a moonless city flashes of light the garden. you could hear the debris wheeze in the sky like lawnmower blades. we have taken Baghdad, but no matter how far we advance, we can’t seem to find the heart of the citadel. freedom is untidy. behind the seventh fiscal veil, odor of bitter chordite. professionals looting the treasures of Baghdad. as we learn new words. what dragomen interpret the new century. the looting has begun. yesterday was year zero for Iraq. they have burned the National Library. all the books. what does the handwriting on the wall say now?


4/16/03 

Friday, April 11, 2003

EASTER SUNDAY CAT

EASTER SUNDAY CAT

Faith, what a word. Can you spell that? 
Change the word to fate, or the furies. 
The cat meowing on the doorstep,
Now that's faith. He has faith 
that Vito will eventually come around 
to petting him, then letting him in.
He is starved for attention, 
he meows plaintively through our meditation.
It must drive Vito nuts.
This pen is giving me cramps, 
real writer's block, write faster than you can think. 
I think I'm I am surfing on everybody's meditation, 
I'm getting a free ride. Writing about a cat.
He's clearly not surfing on our vibes.
He's yodeling on the doorstep. 
hH's gregarious. Uncatlike. Like a dog.
Vito says it's only when I have people over. 
He doesn't love me. But what is cat love, faith? 
Faith that someone will pet you, offer you lap,
scratch the places you can't reach, 
then fluff your kibble, and change your water?
In that order?

To be a cat sitting in a western window
 in late afternoon, fur trapping sunlight. 
The cat tries every door again, hoping for entrance. 
He tries the shower window screen, 
his arms outstretched Christlike on the cross.
He yowls, why have you forsaken me?
Sometimes faith is like that. 
It's a matter of resurrection and redemption.
The knowledge that someone will come to the door, 
let you in for the night, Foghorns moan in the distance.
At the doorstep, a cat at the doorstep.
He wants in, he wants in, he wants in.

 4/11/2003
Writers' Group
Richmond, CA

Yellow ribbon Hostages


Yellow ribbon hostages. Stuck, I couldn't think of what to write on the paper. So I wrote the word yellow, but the paper is yellow, legal paper, held hostage the words. 

And the words won't come and didn't. My head is thick, my feet buzzing from meditation. I was too busy pulling the energy up my body, through my chakras, and out my head. Usual blockage at the heart, but I like the buzz out the top of my head. 

I think of a blue ribbon attached to the sky, dragonfly blue. The cat tries the shower window hanging onto the screen like a furry crucifixion. It's Lent. how appropriate. What did you give up? What holds the heart hostage? When disappointment erodes it like a hostage? The sun in bondage. All this yellow paper, the black night of words leaking in. 

The Civil War soldiers dying in what foreign field while loved ones restored their faith, tying yellow ribbons around sweet magnolia trees to bring them home. What soldiers in what wheat fields? 

As we learn the names of the cities, the oldest civilization cradling the past between the rivers. We have crossed the Euphrates. We have crossed the Tigris. What will we have to do in order to bring ourselves home? What ransom have we put on the world? I am clinging to the names of rivers, the Zeb, the little Zeb, the Khyber as in Khyber Pass. 

I loved that book. I skipped all the military strategy in order to get to the part where they go through the secret mountain passage. I skipped all the war parts in War and Peace too, making it a quick read. But this war is on prime time, every channel. 

We are wearing yellow ribbons on the inside. We have taken Baghdad, but no matter how far we advance, we can't seem to find the heart of the city. Prisoners keep track of the days by tacking imaginary yellow ribbons on imaginary trees. What holds the heart hostage?

4/11/2003 

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

SMALL VIEW, ii


SMALL VIEW, ii                                                          


Midsummer: we stood on a dune above the North Sea,
talking of Caesar and philosophy, naming the intangible
sandwiched between schools of thought. Cogito ergo sum.
At Zaandfort, we admired the slow hunger of glaciers on stone
and the ceaseless appetite of the Rhine, carrying a payload
of what once was the secret heart of mountains.

Not content with things themselves,
we named small desires, translated them into stone.
The smithy’s forge transformed nameless dirt into iron,
stayed countless armies of sand into glass palaces.

Things cannot stand for what they are,
without moniker as if we brought them into being
with our mad desire for definition. To think is to name.
At the house of Descartes we measured the ratio of shadow
to light and found it wanting within our own darkness.
Throwing stones at the shattered ego, an afterthought.

As Blake would say: to seek eternity in a grain of sand...
But then, he saw God in an apple tree when he was four
   and newly come to the naming of things.
How did he know it was God if there was not yet a name for it?
Was it verb or noun?

                           This naming: And God said...
sheds no more light than the man in the moon.
Yet we persist, we insist on this naming,
yet overlook the way warbled glass in the old house
imperfectly admits sunlight into a room.

Should we turn the windows upside down every 50 years?
Stand the rubric of time on its ear in order to see clearly?

We could name it an aspect of time, call it slumped glass,
explain it with the poetics of physics: slow fluid
seeking gravity’s kiss, admire rippled light cast onto skin,
a genesis of follicles and dappled shadows on the floorboards,
or imagine an ancestral memory of sea and sand and wind.

Appellation, cognomen, epithet.
We hammer and tong Latinate structure
into verb or into noun as it suits:
we designate it nom de guerre, nom de plume,
we call it pseudonym, or maybe nothing at all.


4/9/03




Saturday, April 5, 2003

POSTCARD FROM IRAQ



4/5 Baghdad: Artillery hissed overhead
slammed into wheatfields,
spewing shrapnel into the air.
You could hear debris wheeze
whirling in the sky like lawnmower blades.
Indiscriminate death and the bitter smell 
of chordite filled the air.
Kurdish fighters stood amid a field of daisies
& poppies glowing scarlet as drops of blood.
The exodus began before dawn. 
Anything to escape the city.
Desperate, unsettled scenes: 
no electricity, no water, no fuel.
After a night spent in darkness,
they were bumper to bumper, many in tears.
In the desert, water is more precious than oil, 
than blood.

4/5/03


Thursday, April 3, 2003

Standing stones, from the Celtic colloquium


Standing stones have a great thirst. They were giants once. Once every hundred years they go down to the river to drink, and if you have mistletoe and clover, you can steal their treasure. Stones know things. PStanding stones, from the Celtic colloquiumeople used to cut crosses into the stones to baptize the stones in order to make them Christian. But in Carnac, the people were turned into stone. Girls were turned into stone at midnight. Did you know the stones of Stonehenge were brought from Ireland, or Africa, or a parallel universe. They have medicinal virtues. Fertility. Rub a bare breast against the stone. Bathing at the base of the stones will give you domestic power. But stones can cause disease—like the wasting sickness of Cuchulain. On the stones is where the Otherworldly birds gather. In the Táin, Fergus talks to the stones, and the animals talk to him. The curative stones are associated with the Saints. The harmful stones are associated with the dead. The Giants stones are neutral. Stones know things, ignore them at your peril.

From a lecture by Anton Minard, Brittany, Celtic Colloquium 25 at UC Berkeley 4/3/03

SACRED VALLEY 2003 (GARBLED TEXT)


In Ollantetambo,
the sun reveals its secrets at dawn.
Winter solstice.
Delicate breasts on the rocks.
We crossed ancient bridges
that have stood testament for 600 years.
Pizarro was routed here. Say the names
Ollantetambo, Huaynapicchu, satellite cities
marking the 12 routes to the sacred city.
Temple terraces face due north
towards the temple of the sun.
At the temple of water
science and religion and power
are one thing and speak in rills.
At Ollantetambo there are
water mirrors everywhere
to remind the Southern Cross,
the Chakana, stairway to the threefold world,
to bring back the season.
The four directions were invoked 
at the pachamanca, the earth oven.
At Saxayhuaman, the ballcourt of the panther,
that mirrors the darkness of the Milky Way,
there are potato ovens everywhere.
At the altar of the intihuacana,
potatoes are the center of the world
the inti rey invoked the days
and the seasons to return
to the navel of the world.



2003 April 3

Wednesday, April 2, 2003

VICTOR JARRA SPEAKS:


VICTOR JARRA SPEAKS:     


I remember how doves circled the stadium walls
counterclockwise against the light.
Endless flight, white against clouds.
No, I was not aware. Yes. The sun at noon.
I remember the sound of dry husks breaking.
The body of a guitar, so like a woman we can never possess.
Walking the fields. The odor of bruised rosemary.
They have broken her. A fist slammed into a side of beef.
Splintered rain. And then, more rain. A pipe against flesh. Dull.
You ask how many angels on a pinhead? Las Trovistas.
Duerme, duerme negrito, Papa va en el campo....
No, I did not dream, ever. The doves, they... The midnight knock.
Me voy en el campo de los sueños. Me voy en el paiz del muerte.
A revolution. The simplest of weapons:
A voice, a guitar, a message makes a martyr.
My voice took flight, sought refuge in the past,
it flew into the future, it escaped these prison walls.

Ordinary things. I remember. Angelito, mi hijo.
The purity of doves settling on bright rivers of blood on stone.
Under torture, the rational mind confesses to circumstantial evidence.
When the Junta took my hands, they... Yes. The light. They flew, they...
Sometimes I could see my own face reflected in cesspools
in chrome, or in the dark secret layer beneath their polished boots.
So I could remember who I once was. Yes, September, 1973. Etched in stone.
Military time. Dancing the cueca. Pinochet and poor Allende.
Interrogation. The way they approached it like a call to prayer.
As if something holy and profound. And then, the cruel smile.
No. The answers weren’t enough. They are never enough.
That kind of silence before the thin scream that escapes the lips...
There are degrees of victimhood. It isn’t hard to humiliate or to be humiliated.
Benediction, yes. Tell me one thing that one man will not do to another.

Children of Pinochet, yes. Those who survived. No, they...
Evita on display like a beautiful wax doll.
But it was a deja vu of death mocking the living.
Repentence? No amount of revenge can satisfy our sad country.
In any regime, the poets are always the first to go.
The words of lambs before the slaughter.
No, I didn’t remember. Mis manos, mis pobres...
Hell is paved like the prison cell. Si. La música, el corazón.
There is so much I don’t remember. The deaad rise.
Can’t remember, my mind broken, like my hands, they...
But still I sang, I sang, my voice escaped El Estadio,
it fled to the sky when they took my hands,
but not my will. And still my voice could be heard
singing throughout the city long after I was gone.
Yes. Si, si. Even death could not take my voice.
Singing Santiago de Chile, mi tierra. Por la libertad.
Yes. I would raise the stumps of these arms to embrace them all.
For my songs are the children of memory.


4/2/03 rev. 5/12

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

TULIPS


TULIPS

     "In the first days, in the first nights...
     when earth separated from heaven,
     and the name of man was fixed...
     a tree was planted by the banks of the Euphrates...
     Inanna cared for the tree...
     'How long will it be until I have a shining throne.. a shining bed?'
     ...[but] a serpent who could not be charmed
     made his nest in the tree...and Inanna wept."
                  (From the Sumerian, 2000 BC).

In her front yard, a bulb—dormant since the Gulf War—
makes a surprise appearance, burning the retina.
A miracle of red worships the spring grass.
On the day war is declared, a carpet of tulips
blooms in the land between two rivers.

Equinox. We have crossed the Euphrates, Al Furat,
we are crossing the Tigris, the Hiddekil.
We advance upon a country where 1001 fibs nest in the huluppu tree
on the banks of the rivers where writing was born.

As we mortar the world tree in the land of two rivers,
we have lost our wrappings at the gates of the Great Below,
where Ereshkigal awaits Inanna, the Queen of Heaven, to steal her finery,
where fragments of the world's first literature, records of crops and conscripts,
etched on clay shards are buried beneath the dry wadis.
During the Gulf War, countless cuneiform tablets were lost
and now, after 4000 years in desert sands,
the Ur stones of our civilization are irrevocably lost,
casualties of war, as we advance on Baghdad.
What Gilgamesh will build a shining throne, from what tree?

3/26/03 rev




 *            *            *



Note Bene: this poem came from facts on TV: the sky roiling with smoke, burning palaces like an action movie with Bruce Willis, but the TV stations and the bridges over the Tigris are spared—for Iraq's new masters. What we don’t see: a mother breastfeeding her baby who witnessed seven of her family wounded by shrapnel. The peasant woman visiting her daughter who stepped out of the taxi looked down to see her blood tattooed on her limbs and chest. Her 5-year-old had climbed out of the taxi first. Two unnamed boys. More women: Isra who ran into her garden as the blitz began, and Najla who still tries to cover her head with a black scarf but can’t hide the purple wound of her legs. How should they pay for September 11? We photograph and cross-examine them: were they hit by their own shrapnel, or by ours?

More facts: For every 4 Iraqi soldiers wounded, we maim 21 civilians; mostly women and children. This is not reported on CNN. Instead, we learn how modern technology toys with war, about smart bombs that can target a truck beneath a bridge and leave it standing. We watch the Iraqis light oil fires in Baghdad to foil the cruise missiles: smoke screen against computer screen. And what of the taxi man who answers: "All Iraqi people want this war.” How do we reconcile the regime against the civilian poor? How is it better to be liberated & dead, than oppressed but alive? How do we reconcile? We learn that in Arabic, soummoud is “steadfastness,” the same name as the missiles that Iraq destroyed. President Bush says that winning this war is “far from over.” They are looting the museums, the national libraries have gone up in smoke for the sky to read.

In this land between two rivers, greenly visible from satellite images, this fertile crescent where the kings of Sumer fought the Elamites, the Akkads, the Chaldees. In this land of Sargon, the city-states of Ur/Uruk, in Nineveh/Nippur—the soul of Sumer, the land of Hammarabi’s laws, in the home of Abraham and the cradle of three religions: Judiasm, Christianity and Islam, where the Persians, Xenophon and Alexander died, in this land where the Mongol hoards and Suliman the Great, the Ottoman Turks, the British, all built vast empires by sacking Ctesiphon/ Baghdad.


3/26/03 rev

Thursday, March 20, 2003

Letters to Diane Feinstein Gulf War


Dear Senator Feinstein,

This is to inform you that as a voting and politically active constituent of yours, I write today as a participant in Win Without War's Virtual March.  I am one of the true majority of Americans concerned that President Bush's rush to war is both dangerous and unfounded.

Our nation needs to support adequate and timely United Nations inspections. Going to war with Iraq will kill thousands of innocent civilians and soldiers, thus creating an atmosphere that breeds more terrorists, and diverts money from social welfare programs that can create and foster a safer and more just society.

We once used religion to justify the brutal crusades of the middle ages, killing thousands middle eastern Christians and Jews in the process of purging the infidel, because we were xenophobic toward anyone who looked different.

Now we embark on using the religion of politics and capitalism in order to justfy what will be historically viewed as genocide in the middle east.

A war with Iraq will only breed more terrorism in that half the population is under 14 years of age. The survivors will only remember our agression, not our justice. I come from a long line of those who remember; the civil war in Ireland continues nearly 1000 years after its inception. Lest we forget. Ourselves alone.

Please do everything within your power to support the inspections process by allowing the UN officials adequate time to do a thorough job and resist our nation's foolhardy rush toward war where no one will emerge a winner.

Maureen Hurley

3/20 letter

I find Bush's pre-emptive strike on Iraq an agressive war crime against humanity, like Napoleon in Spain & Moscow, The British in Ireland, or Caesar at the Rubicon. These unnecessary and unjust wars were the downfall of both emperors, and now, after an 800-year illegal occupation, the British can't get out of N. Ireland--it's become an economic hemmorage.

There is a lesson here: history does repeat itself. Though I do not condone Saddam Hussein, he is an evil leader, I am having trouble accepting that Bush's war tactics as being "just."

My credulity is strained to the limit by Bush's rhetorical palette. Does he take us all to be such fools to believe his skewed version of 'truth?"

And what of the Iraquis who believe in their ancient culture and right to govern their country as they see fit, will they willingly embrace our "so-called democracy" inaction--when we have blatantly disregarded the democratic process in our own country?

Napoleon erred, the Spanish never yielded their culture or religion. What makes Bush think he will have better luck in Iraq, where the median age is 14.

Ironically, Bush is a good teacher, training a nation of young men towards jihad in a manner never even imagined by Hussein. And I fear we will reap the fruits of this unjust war for years to come.


Maureen Hurley





Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Poetic Manifesto C, II rev



WHAT PASSES FOR POETIC MANIFESTO

When I approach the class assignment, to write a poetic manifesto—whether from a direct or oblique angle—I am bathed in waves of exhaustion: this becomes my default Poetics of Witness Manifesto in times of need. It begins at the highest point of the cheekline and extends downward toward the heart and belly and into the songline. I find myself seeking the fetal curl. I understand the classic definition, yet I am helpless to change it, other than to let it flow through me, the words, informis buried within the form. A grave of sorts with only the spade-tip of my pen by which to excavate.

How then, to make sense of MOAB—not a high desert place of fire-colored sandstone and acrid mesquite in Utah, but an acronym the Mother of All Bombs? A friend sends me an email that the Stocton Street Tunnel will function as a rallying point or shelter. I cannot believe, let alone comprehend, what I am reading this morning.

Earlier, I went back to that childhood playground I wrote about in a poem, at Lagunitas School, where we witnessed the bomb testing nearly 50 years ago. Only then, we were practicing for nuclear preparedness for another enemy.  Not against ourselves.

My cousin and I stroll around the school yard...I remember playing in the sandbox with the Daley twins...They were far from identical and why they always come to mind is a mystery. Perhaps it’s because Adrian—dressed in her favorite red cowboy skirt, gun holster & boots threw sand in my eyes, or shoved me down again for no real reason, other than I was there in line—she has become a symbol of aggression. Adair was the gentle one, always bearing witness. Little did we know that we would both become writers. You may know her pen name, a tag left over from a misplaced husband. I think of another Lara—from Dr. Zhivago. The bully who became a cop would be upset to read this but I can’t close the window of memory. Only disguise the names, but what’s the point? To bear witness is the issue at hand.

I walk past the building where the steer jumped through our 2nd grade classroom window. We all piled in, excited to be center-stage, and there was blood everywhere. Thick ropes of it. I’d never seen so much spilled blood on white tiles. Why a steer would jump through a window in the middle of the night is still a mystery. Unless he was chased. Or it was a rumor. Someone must have broke in to steal our treasures—but all that blood. How could he have survived? I thought of the steer’s heart my best friend’s father, Les Stone presented us with, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. The rosemary and sage my grandmother stuffed it with did little to disguise it—for I knew that animal by name.

A man is mowing the baseball field. I remember when the bases were loaded, the final inning, Lagunitas against Nicasio: Billy Joe hit a home run, sliding into home plate, the green grass stains on his white knees like crayon scribbles, a benediction of the field for Home Team. And the cheerleaders all going crazy: Linda Gregg and her twin, the one that was murdered.  Through them, murder had come to our peaceful little valley. Or was that the Barbano girl? It was a big story in Time magazine, I later learned. Why I remember Linda and not the other twin too is a mystery. They really were identical: like peas in a pod.  Not like Adrian and Adair. Different mirrors.

I stand in front of my old 5th grade room, and peer back into the past where one spring day, like today, our teacher was telling us about the millennium, and I imagined my life on a day, like today. I daydreamed forward in time to 2001, 2002, then 2003, but then I got stuck I couldn’t imagine myself past the age 50. And here we are. Today.

An odd thought came into my head, of terror, a darkness, of destruction. I chalked it up to childhood angst. I had an unusually susceptible imagination, incapable of erasing or suppressing negative images. And these images frightened me more that any scary movies. Thin boundaries. But as I walked this future shadowland, I knew it was significant, not just nightmarish daydreams. A signifier similar to my grandmother’s experiences of the dead who come knocking, and birds flying into the house. Clairvoyance, my mother said. Déjà vu. Precognition. But I was a firm disbeliever—because she was crazy, everything was suspect.

Only there are some things you see so clearly, you don’t want to remember them, or to bear witness, and the veil of sleep erases, or at least suppresses them. And unless you’re a Hamlet, you have no words for them, until they play out in real time...like reruns of Kennnedy shot over and over. And you are watching shadows flit across the retina. Mirror of time. The only way out is through...

On International Women’s Day, we gather at a friend’s place, once the old Forest Knolls Post Office—an impromptu gathering of women & babies and a few boyfriends from Mexico or Germany. We talk of war, of the upcoming peace march, the women writers arrested at the White House for loitering: I have friends and acquaintances among them: Alice Walker, Susan Griffin, Maxine Hong Kingston, women warriors, all. We are all on Code Pink Alert.

And as I serve the salmon, a shiver runs across the soul like that movement of mice almost seen at the corner of the eye, an acute feeling that I’d been here before, done that. Got the tee-shirt sort of thing. A woman is talking about an upcoming school fund-raiser, the progress of her children in the progressive Open Classroom. How they were so well socialized, they were articulate, but didn’t know how to study. How would they survive high school? And I’d heard this conversation before, been in this room with its white walls, though at the time, it would’ve been an impossibility as it was once the post office, federal property. What good is it to half-remember licking Lincoln stamps and sending away for dreams?

Then there are strange words in the news like behemoth, Massive Ordnance Air Blast, MOAB. Dead man walking on my soul again. Yesterday I fingered the video of “Fat Man, Little Boy, but a shudder ran through me...there are no degrees of separation between me and the bomb: I know Keb; Camp-2; the Manhattan Project first-hand. And now today, our government unveils the mother of all bombs and I can’t help but think: sacrilege. These mothers in this room, I am the only one childless, though my cousin’s child is my godson. All these roots, and I am no closer to writing a manifesto than when I started. Manifesto requires hard, strident words, like Bukowski, Ginsberg, or Whitman. And I have only these small, hidden words afraid of rebirth, afraid of the dark, afraid of the light. The heart glistening with blood.

3/12/03, rev.




Tuesday, March 11, 2003

ON INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY


ON INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY



I was having dinner at a friend's,
at the old Forest Knolls post office,
we were a gathering of women and children,
feasting on salmon and talking of resistance:
of marching & writer friends, Maxine, Susan,
women warriors handcuffed for loitering at the White House.

I'd just walked the Lagunitas School playground
where we lined up to witness the test bombs at Jackass Flats,
where we prepared for nuclear bombs by hiding under our desks.
It was as if no time at all had passed: I was in 5th grade
and we imagined the coming millennium.
But I couldn't get past the year 2003,
an unnameable terror had seized me
and I forsaw darkness and destruction....
I had a hard time leaving behind that nightmare...
Then at dinner, the floodgates of memory opened,
and here we are, the dogs of war slouching toward Bagdhad.

A friend sends me emails (amidst penile & breast enlargement spams
cleverly disguised as an exonumia of mortages & loans.
It says: “don't pay any more” but it opens into promises
of “superb fresh breasts” and “lust, sex & no commitment”)
and how shall we pay? With handcuffs? Jeb Bush hands out cigars
when the bomb test is declared a success—
MOAB, the “mother of all bombs” for the “mother of all battles.”
And angered by such blatant sacrilege, I fear the worst,...
Inexplicably, Conrad’s Heart of Darkness comes to mind:
I can’t make it out: “Mistah Kurtz, he dead.” Then, “The horror. The horror.”
My friend writes about how the Stocton Street Tunnel
will serve as gathering site should the bombs begin to fall
or perhaps it will serve as a bomb shelter or a masoleum

when it comes
when it comes
when it comes...

She says: Oh, baby, it's going to be alright. I know this is scary and hard but we—and millions like us—know how to love, and we will know how to love, no matter what happens. Energy created cannot be destroyed. More life, to you, a chara, and to us all, more life, more life, more life...

3/11/03

Monday, March 3, 2003

WHAT AMERICA MEANS TO ME

WHAT AMERICA MEANS TO ME


Aside from the fact that I get knee jerks at the very thought of what America means to me, an old patriotic drill arose: Lagunitas School in the 1950s, I was in 3rd Grade, after the Pledge of Allegiance, we’re singing Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. Only it’s more like speciousness these days... Coin of the realm. But even from the relative purity of childhood, I recall a taint: my grandmother muttering something about the damned Anglo-Saxons again. Too close to God Save the Queen. I explain it’s just the melody, not the same song—even the Irish stole songs from themselves and updated the words: but she’s off and running. Soon Cromwell will arise and you know where that leads to. Don’t say anything to upset the antichrist in the kitchen...

I always loved the part about the purple mountain’s majesties. We had a WPA mural at our school with exotic orange groves and grapes framed against purple mountains. Sometimes when the light was just right, the ridges framing the San Geronimo Valley really turned blue when the woodsmoke collected in the hollows, mid-winter. There was something about the queen in the song and purple was the color of royalty. “Murex shells were used to make purple,” my grandmother said, pointing to a tiny black spot at the tip of the shell. “It took hundreds of snails to dye Roman togas, that's why only royalty was allowed to wear it,” she said. And it remained so until the invention of the aniline coal dyes of the Industrial Revolution. Beginning of the end of an era.

Father John Connery wore royal purple when he was serving the mourning masses: the color of forgiveness. Sometimes it was white, or red, or green. Uaine, my grandmother said in Irish. Chemical green, as in illness, or the almighty dollar. Not glas, the color of fields and plants. The big-bosomed old women of our parish always wore black... Life for the immigrant woman was hard: babies, and work and more babies and more work. They even wore black in the garden as if they were in deep mourning there too. They greeted each other each in their own language: Portuguese, Italian-Swiss, Irish, Spanish... the church, our common denominator against the powerful ruling class, the WASPS. And so the life of the poverty-stricken immigrant living close to the land has shaped my view of what it means to be American...

I was never a blue-eyed blonde, nor did I live in a tract house, or even in a town. I wasn’t raised in a nuclear family, with a mother-cum-housemaker and a father as bread-winner. Things we stereotype as American, like apple pie and mom. My mom was a Beatnick, therefore crazy. My father was absent in the neck of a bottle. So my grandmother took over the business of raising me. I was never a daughter of the America Revolution...we were related to Myles the Slasher, of County Longford, not Miles Standish of Plymouth Rock. So it was suggested we were second-class citizens...like the pecking order in the barn yard...the chickens, the horses, the cats, they all had a pecking order.

We were the ones who quietly snuck up the feed bowl when the others had already taken the edge off their hunger, and maybe they wouldn’t notice us if we edged in slowly, folding ourselves into the crowd. Safety in numbers. We were the invisible made visible by our ethnicity, which we clung to, a safety line of identity. We took refuge in the church from state. Did we inherit this division? Did we take it on? Or did it come from the outside? Or was it something put upon us from America itself? Indivisible under God, with liberty and justice for ...whom? For the WASPS who didn't want to share their America? The ones heckling my grandmother, calling her all kinds of names on the trolley because she was pregnant with my mother? Irish Catholic bitch always in heat.

* * *

My 3rd grade students are humming the song as they paint purple mountains on the silk banners for Saturday’s Art Auction/Spaghetti Feed for the Alexander Valley grange. This is as close to America as I can get, community events at the granges. Like the Nicasio Druid’s Hall Palm Sunday Brunch where all the west county ranchers gather and trade stories. This is the heart of my America. I hum along as best as I can with my students who are all blessed with tin ears, it seems. We are covered in purple dye. A discordant crescendo of America, America, God shed his grace on thee...

The auctioneer’s lips are a blur and we give standing ovations to the overbidders, swilling some of the best wine in the country. I rub shoulders with the old Italian families, the Mexicans and yuppies. Nike, Reebok are represented here at the CEO level. I have taught all their children poetry. I try not to think of slave labor. That’s what built those companies, this valley, this wine on my lips. Sacrament. This is my blood...

These west county microcosms at the edge of the continent are where I have witnessed what it means to be an American as the next wave of immigrants, the grape pickers from Guanahuato who used to sleep under the Russian River bridge, now celebrate a son, a daughter or a nephew or niece graduating from college. A daughter I once taught poetry to in 3rd grade, Ayacel, is a continuum of my tribal roots—but she is from another country of origin. Mexican-America. In this valley we are forgiven under the benediction of commerce and grapes because it what we choose to do with our citizenship, we have come here to make a better community for our children. It is a dream we all hold in common.

* * *

Note Bene: I developed a curious form of amnesia when it came to doing this assignment. I would write down a phrase, then lose it. Then I completely forgot about doing the assignment. Talk about avoidance! In the background, I kept singing America, America and when my poetry students were learning to sing this song (albeit off-key), it became a mantra. But it wouldn’t come in poetic form.

What finally moved me to write was an email from Martin Mooij, of Poetry International, who has led numerous successful campaigns to free incarcerated poets, who said he was thinking of me, because I represented the Other America, not the America embarking upon a stupid war. I noticed how, in his Dutch English, how war is both verb and noun. Both a naming and an action. And that I am/was an American ambassador for something not quite tangible, that of witness, with only my language as my tool to represent me.

And that somehow, California, isolated for millennia from invading tribes, developed the most linguistically diverse map in the world, with some 400 separate languages evolving. Something from the Ohlone: 10,000 years of dancing on the brink of the world. We are west of the west, west of the heartland, the belly, the brains of America. We are the unacknowledged dream of the body, where it is sometimes possible to legislate an escape route from the nightmare. These words by which we breathe become spades to dig us out from under the belly of the grave.


03/3/03, rev