To Yehiel Ben Benyamin 9/5/18, 11:33 PM
We had a blow up last month because I tried to pay a portion of the rent directly (which I've done in the past), and he lost it and told me I had to move out. No forewarning. And so I did.
He gave no thought to the fact that I have almost no money and had to bail him out for rent the month before, had to pay for our trip to Kate Wolf, rent the car, and have my car fixed, so I was short. My CAC money hadn't yet come in.
Yehiel 9/6/18, 8:29 AM
He gave no thought to the fact that I have almost no money and had to bail him out for rent the month before, had to pay for our trip to Kate Wolf, rent the car, and have my car fixed, so I was short. My CAC money hadn't yet come in.
He lacked any empathy or compassion at all, and I've been living with someone who is so depressed, and suicidal, I'm afraid to leave him alone, and dealing with his emotions is a full-time job. When is it my turn to have a little emotional support. He's taken and take and taken from me....and this is my reward? Wow.
He won't acknowledge that I pay for all the food, all the house repairs, etc. All his clothes. Most of my income has gone in to keeping this place afloat, keeping him fed and clothed. And the car too. He pays for nothing, no insurance, no repairs.
He's built tall tales how I've squandered all this (grossly inflated) rent in Forestville, and none if it is true. He blamed me for holding onto my cabin all this time, and then claimed that it had put him into debt. But he refused to put me on the lease, which is only month to month. Mind you, I pay my own way, and then some. He had the money, plenty of it when he was first teaching, I was his unpaid TA for an entire year. He never even bought me coffee, let alone paid me anything for my time.
I've paid for the creation of his CDs, I've been the unpaid booth wench at the games. Paid for his publicity, business cards… and he just assumes it's his due, not even a thank you, let alone. a token $20 for a weekend's worth of work.
For the past year he was contemplating suicide on a regular basis and we had no support system in place. He'd say things like "When I go, meaning when I die, you'll have to leave...."
I was being hit with tall tale after tall tale. And he was so crazed, there was no way to talk to him. So I didn't. He's irrational and unreasonable. And he's made me the enemy, when I'm not. He wants everything his way, and he doesn't want to concede an inch.
He's made me into the fall guy for whatever ails him, because he's also angry with the Caledonian Club dropping him this year. He did something questionable last year, by not performing in the heat without clearing it with them. So they all think he blew them off. His vitriol towards the club is astounding. Again, I said nothing, because he would turn it on me.
He's also had it out for the guru, both guns blazing, such wrath, and anger, it's been positively frightening. He's in the process of emotionally assassinating everyone around him within reach for unintended slights. How is that considered to be stable behavior?
Not long after that, he was sobbing, missing his father. I held him as he worked through it. He wants compassion from others, but seems to have none whatsoever for others, himself.
What he doesn't seem to realize is that when he's pulled the rug out from under me in the past, of course I retreated. How can you trust someone who does things like that out of the blue? He has treated me with neglect, and he's built up strange scenarios that supports his alternate world-view that's not based on truth. Others have witnessed it. It's not just me. A classic case of Narcissism gone awry.
He won't acknowledge that I pay for all the food, all the house repairs, etc. All his clothes. Most of my income has gone in to keeping this place afloat, keeping him fed and clothed. And the car too. He pays for nothing, no insurance, no repairs.
He's built tall tales how I've squandered all this (grossly inflated) rent in Forestville, and none if it is true. He blamed me for holding onto my cabin all this time, and then claimed that it had put him into debt. But he refused to put me on the lease, which is only month to month. Mind you, I pay my own way, and then some. He had the money, plenty of it when he was first teaching, I was his unpaid TA for an entire year. He never even bought me coffee, let alone paid me anything for my time.
I've paid for the creation of his CDs, I've been the unpaid booth wench at the games. Paid for his publicity, business cards… and he just assumes it's his due, not even a thank you, let alone. a token $20 for a weekend's worth of work.
For the past year he was contemplating suicide on a regular basis and we had no support system in place. He'd say things like "When I go, meaning when I die, you'll have to leave...."
I was being hit with tall tale after tall tale. And he was so crazed, there was no way to talk to him. So I didn't. He's irrational and unreasonable. And he's made me the enemy, when I'm not. He wants everything his way, and he doesn't want to concede an inch.
He's made me into the fall guy for whatever ails him, because he's also angry with the Caledonian Club dropping him this year. He did something questionable last year, by not performing in the heat without clearing it with them. So they all think he blew them off. His vitriol towards the club is astounding. Again, I said nothing, because he would turn it on me.
He's also had it out for the guru, both guns blazing, such wrath, and anger, it's been positively frightening. He's in the process of emotionally assassinating everyone around him within reach for unintended slights. How is that considered to be stable behavior?
Not long after that, he was sobbing, missing his father. I held him as he worked through it. He wants compassion from others, but seems to have none whatsoever for others, himself.
What he doesn't seem to realize is that when he's pulled the rug out from under me in the past, of course I retreated. How can you trust someone who does things like that out of the blue? He has treated me with neglect, and he's built up strange scenarios that supports his alternate world-view that's not based on truth. Others have witnessed it. It's not just me. A classic case of Narcissism gone awry.
Yehiel 9/6/18, 8:29 AM
You wrote: About two or three weeks ago he told me that he asked you to leave.
He did not ask me to leave, or suggest we take a break. Or declutter. Or move on. He had an irrational off the wall outburst that was way out of the ballpark. It was also a vindictive strike because I tried to do the right thing and pay the rent directly vs giving it to him (he wasn't here, Ricky was champing at the bit asking for it...) There was nothing civil or rational about it.
You wrote: He said that he wanted to start a new life including to find and develop a romantic relationship and also to declutter his home from stuff.
You make it sound like it's so rational and straightforward here, like adults having a civil conversation. Didn't happen like that. None of this was ever even alluded to, let alone, discussed. This is news to me.
So his own chaos is the reason why? I can't get him to eve take baby steps to deal with his random clutter. I've spent years, trying to establish some semblance of order with his papers, taxes, clothes, he puts nothing away. He goes on manic blitzkreigs where he tears apart corners of rooms, or boxes of filed papers (like his taxes) to "create a new order" which creates even more chaos, then he walks away and leaves it. A vicious cycle. I've long since given up on trying to clean up after him. I've had to accept it and step away from it.
He hasn't made one single move to put his closet or bathroom back in order after they were torn apart and remodeled. I had to do all the heavy work, both making the spaces ready for the contractors, and bringing his stuff back in.
As to the romantic relationship, I don't think he is truly capable of intimacy. He is so trapped within himself, there is no room for another. It's always all about him. What can we do for him? Not a two-way street. He has marginalized me for so long, it's emotionally abusive. I've withdrawn from him, because he constantly marginalizes me with indifference. Or a lack of attention.
He did not ask me to leave, or suggest we take a break. Or declutter. Or move on. He had an irrational off the wall outburst that was way out of the ballpark. It was also a vindictive strike because I tried to do the right thing and pay the rent directly vs giving it to him (he wasn't here, Ricky was champing at the bit asking for it...) There was nothing civil or rational about it.
You wrote: He said that he wanted to start a new life including to find and develop a romantic relationship and also to declutter his home from stuff.
You make it sound like it's so rational and straightforward here, like adults having a civil conversation. Didn't happen like that. None of this was ever even alluded to, let alone, discussed. This is news to me.
So his own chaos is the reason why? I can't get him to eve take baby steps to deal with his random clutter. I've spent years, trying to establish some semblance of order with his papers, taxes, clothes, he puts nothing away. He goes on manic blitzkreigs where he tears apart corners of rooms, or boxes of filed papers (like his taxes) to "create a new order" which creates even more chaos, then he walks away and leaves it. A vicious cycle. I've long since given up on trying to clean up after him. I've had to accept it and step away from it.
He hasn't made one single move to put his closet or bathroom back in order after they were torn apart and remodeled. I had to do all the heavy work, both making the spaces ready for the contractors, and bringing his stuff back in.
As to the romantic relationship, I don't think he is truly capable of intimacy. He is so trapped within himself, there is no room for another. It's always all about him. What can we do for him? Not a two-way street. He has marginalized me for so long, it's emotionally abusive. I've withdrawn from him, because he constantly marginalizes me with indifference. Or a lack of attention.
I've put up with a lot of negative behavior because I know that he's bipolar, and suffering, and clearly the meds don't help...when he takes them, that is. He's so good at constructing alternate realities. I sometimes listen to him telling you or Jack his latest confabulatory woe on the phone and realize it's a house of cards. An illusion. He convinces himself of his particular slant, or worldview in the constant retelling. Each embellished iteration becomes a little farther removed from the truth. No matter that reality is a bit different than the telling. It's like a false memory.
I no longer attempt to give him my perspective, or even defend myself when he goes after me because it always leads to even more verbal abuse that escalates out of control. I once taped him, and then listened to it crescendo without any verbal input from me.
So now I remove myself from the conflict because it's futile to contradict him and ultimately it serves no purpose. Sadly, the fallout is then he believes his carefully constructed tales to be true because I won't fight back. A self-feeding cycle. Mine is a story of retreat, for self preservation. I did warn him that his attacks were forcing me to withdraw more into myself each time.
Ironically, one bone of contention is my cabin in Forestville, it's not a cabin, it's more of a parking space. Because I never gave it up, he saw it that I didn't trust him, but he wouldn't ever give me any assurance. Like making me a domestic partner, or putting me on the lease.
I no longer attempt to give him my perspective, or even defend myself when he goes after me because it always leads to even more verbal abuse that escalates out of control. I once taped him, and then listened to it crescendo without any verbal input from me.
So now I remove myself from the conflict because it's futile to contradict him and ultimately it serves no purpose. Sadly, the fallout is then he believes his carefully constructed tales to be true because I won't fight back. A self-feeding cycle. Mine is a story of retreat, for self preservation. I did warn him that his attacks were forcing me to withdraw more into myself each time.
Ironically, one bone of contention is my cabin in Forestville, it's not a cabin, it's more of a parking space. Because I never gave it up, he saw it that I didn't trust him, but he wouldn't ever give me any assurance. Like making me a domestic partner, or putting me on the lease.
I said I'd happily give up my place if he put me on the lease which is month to month. Not exactly a big commitment, but with him threatening suicide, I wanted that in place. He wanted that paltry amount of money I pay in rent for Forestville to go to him.... then he claimed that's why he was in debt. And because of that, I didn't trust him. An odd reckoning process. So I have no legal rights whatsoever after 20 years of caring for him.
Maybe this manic phase will last long enough for him to achieve some of his short term goals. But when he does down for the count again, and you know he will, then what? Wait for the suicide notification?
I guess it's no longer my problem any more, now is it? I need to stay in this rational analytical mode, in order to get through this process. At this point there is no turning back. Otherwise my emotional self will cripple me to inaction.
Maybe this manic phase will last long enough for him to achieve some of his short term goals. But when he does down for the count again, and you know he will, then what? Wait for the suicide notification?
I guess it's no longer my problem any more, now is it? I need to stay in this rational analytical mode, in order to get through this process. At this point there is no turning back. Otherwise my emotional self will cripple me to inaction.
Despite my dialogue here, my animal self is deeply wounded, and I am fighting off profound depression, and despair, as you can well imagine. It is like facing a profound death. I am trying hard to be angry, to muster anger, so that I can get through this.
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