On being bullied in school

I read with interest a HuffPost article on someone who tracked down and interviewed the bullies she met in school. Coming to terms with your accusers without laying blame. going beyond, and discovering the reason why your tormentors were tormented. 

Few know that I was bullied in grade school and high school. I withdrew into my art, and kept my circle of friends small. At the time, I had no idea I was being bullied. I blamed myself. We did not have the words for it, and it wasn’t immediately obvious. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t liked. We blamed different cliques and went on with our lives, not knowing that bullying behavior needs to be acknowledged and called out. 

In retrospect, I wish teachers had given us some social skills or tools to cope with that kind of behavior—rather than forcing us to take Home Ec. What on earth did those popular girls and cheerleader types have against me? It was the birth of hippiedom, the age of the Summer of Love. Grudges and differences fell by the wayside during the social revolution that ended the 1960s.

I came to terms with some of the bullying, or rather, I faced it, when I went to my 10th high school reunion, thanks to a high school friend friend Ken Bullock who enticed me to the after party picnic, and to old grade school friend, Dennis De La Montanya who welcomed me with open arms. That was the first snakeskin shedding. The first healing had begun. Poetry gave me back the world. 

By my 20th high school reunion I had left that old world far behind, having grown a thicker skin, and by my 30th reunion, the pain was barely recognizable—those days were an afterthought. But it was ossified. Writing had so completely become my world, my realm, that all was fodder for the gristwheel. But I couldn’t write about it. I think on some level, I had long since forgiven my tormentors, and moved on, but more importantly, I forgave myself. However, I was angry for such a very long time. The pain was still there.

Now facing my 50th, actually my 51st high school reunion since we missed our 50th due to COVID, it is interesting to revisit some of those old feelings. Those old stomping grounds had become a kind of fiction. But also they shaped my persona, and how I react to others bullying people is an indicator of what I experienced. I must admit that when I witness bullying now, I am all tooth and claw.

It comes as quite a shock to realize that you’ve carried that albatross for so long around your neck, like a holy relic, but it also informs your personality, makes you even more who you are. This constant process of becoming.

With thanks to Paula Friedman