Epic Autocorrect fails

Autocorrect sometimes helps me out with hilarious results, by changing my words into something completely different long after I’ve finished typing and posting a sentence. I typed—So that oversexed tortoise is sort of like Niall of the Nine Hostages? And ottocorrect changed that to—Nile of the nine hole stitches? Huh?

On Howard McCord’s post on Puerto Rico, he asked, trump hates them.Wonder why?

I dictated, “yes, his hatred knows no bounds.” But AutoCorrect fixed my words—originally displayed correctly, I might add—then it had its way with me... and wrote: “Yes his hatred no snow balance.”

I have to leave that malaprop stet. I can’t even...

Does AutoCorrect work for Trump? Alexa?

The first example was a case of AutoCorrect changing my typing. The second example, AutoCorrect changed my dictation. I can’t win either way. I’ve long since turned off predictive text. That was too distracting for words. I’ve also turned off helpful capitalization, as it was so off, I spent more time fixing its corrections than writing. It won’t capitalize I, or I’m, but give it a noun, and it’s gloves off. Or an s, and it’s an apostrophe field day. I made the mistake of using the Spanish keyboard once, and now my typing/spelling transgressions are multilingual, adding another dimension to surreal.

Now as I write this, AutoCorrect is literally changing my what I wrote, back and forth, and then completely retyping it again. Erasing everything I wrote, and reprinting it out in long strings of text. I can see a correct version of what I wrote go by, whoosh, only to be replaced by something rather more schizophrenic. I think it’s a combo of Apple and Facebook autocorrect systems attempting to out-compete each other. Make up your mind, AutoCorrect. Or go home, AutoCorrect, you’re drunk. Very drunk.

Another AutoCorrect epic fail. I explained, “What happens is I get shifting focal planes.” Oh my god, that was a brilliant auto correct. It wrote “fuck all planes,” then changed it back. AutoCorrect must have ego (I wrote “egg) on its face. Stet.

Reminds me of the joke about two monks and the scribal typo—celebrate not celebrate. Sometimes I think Facebook is gaslighting us.

I have a scientific cleaning, so I do love reading about things but I try to never click on Web MD no matter how tantalizing the headline maybe. I did it once for hives and then was “played with you to Cario arts” ...  huh?

What I meant  to say was —plagued with urticaria ads. 

Cripes, scientific cleaning? Autocorrect just changed cripes to crimes. Autocorrect is a crime against spelling and word sense. Nonsense, more like. But that last autocorrect fail is so weird, I’m leaving it, stet. Forget obscure words, or a Latin phrase, like ad hoc, fergawdsake.

What happens if...

DANTE’S NINE CIRCLES OF HELL, REIMAGINED FOR LINGUISTIC TRANSGRESSIONS

First Circle (Limbo): Reimagined by Autocorrect

Here wander the otherwise virtuous souls who were forced into grievous errors by autocorrect programs. They sit in silent masturbation, only rising once every hour to chant eerie koans such as “ducking auto cat rectal.” McSweeney’s