CPITS journal, Walker Creek

After the California Poets in the Schools conference, the letdown, the long, slow goodbyes, this is my family of poets. All of this wonderfully crazy. During the closing ceremony, of course, through the process of elimination, I was standing next to John Oliver Simon.

It was so strange to be holding his hand again after all these years. I'd forgotten how strong and warm they were, and that false sense of security they gave me. And I was uncomfortable with him around, but not majorly so. More like an awareness and a pattern of avoidance long-established.

Terri Marquis asked him if he was uncomfortable around me, and he answered, no, but he was aware of my discomfort, putting it all upon me. And taking his cue from that. She said, I couldn't help but think of you last night, up there, reading. You were so beautiful, and his eyes were all over you. He must've felt some regret.

Funny, the poem I chose to read was in the anthology, Poem for Sarah, had buckeye images in it,. Arthur read a new poem about the old man and buckeyes. This morning he commented upon it and said a lot of our poem are dialogs to others. He said he had heard me read that poem several times. Acknowledgment and the dialogue continuing beyond the poem.

Last night as Arthur and I were dancing, we were spiraling towards each other. I was relieved when Luis asked me to dance. We clowned around and danced absurd tangos, and deliberately fell flat on the floor at the end of the song like exhausted dancers. How wonderfully absurd, a flirtation and parody. People laughed and clapped.

Arthur and I danced some swing. We danced foursomes interacting with others or merely doing exercises. I don't think there's another group of people I'd rather dance with. There is a special comraderie in knowing everyone for 10 to 15 years, makes this an extraordinary group of people.

It was brave of Luis Kong to come to the conference. He had to leave behind the past, and several people had problems with his heavy-handedness when he was Executive Director. No way to heal, if you can't forgive. How can you forgive if you never faced? An extraordinary conference. We're not falling apart contrary to popular belief.

Luis shocked me by commenting about my dancing with Arthur, reminding me that  Arthur was a married man. I retorted, Why, does it look like it? I am not doing anything with Arthur. We are circumspect. Luis said, I'm just teasing. But he scored a bull's-eye on that one and he knew it.

Yes I will admit there is an incredible attraction, but I flirted more heavily with Luis who is also married man, because it was safe. I'm a wild flirtatious dancer.



Arthur and I hiked up the ridge
a 15-minute moonlight walk that lasted hours
I was bearing small bits of my soul to him
as we stood on the ridge overlooking the valleys
where harsh shadows conjoined in the canyons.
We alighted on the grass, watched the constellations
wheel across the sky, with the Arabic names of stars
etched on our tongues.

rev 12/17

need date 1996