By Haureen Murley
"According to latest reports, the renowned cephalopodic organization, Greensleasz introduced a bill to congress banning harmful substances to mollusks.
Greensleasz, located in the former Evolution Institute on Roblar Road in Petaluma is noted for its unceasing efforts to attempt to desalinize both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans. Their goal by the year 2000 is to make the waters safe for vacationing slugs and other land mollusks of importance: Currently, they are unable to bathe, during the summer months without bodily threat to self personal health. They maintain that their constitutional rights are seasoned by this problem.
The organization is currently lobbying congress to ban all sodium chlorides, better known as common table salts, from the face of the earth on the grounds that it is an illegal weapon, and when used in the wrong hands, is capable of molluskan genocide.
Spokeslugson for Greensleasz, Alfurred E ‘Zippy” Slugstein, who received the Mobile Piece Prize in 1981 for his brilliant research on saline solutions and disorders in Slugastronauts, stated in a slugscusive PAPER interview, “the time has come for all responsible citizens to band together and demand a safe, salt-Slack squeeze free world for our children to inherit.”
Slugstein sees the Dead Sea, King Neptune, The Salt Box at the Bottom of the Sea (see Grimm's Fairy Tales), Death Valley, the Salton Sea, and a tiny Austrian village of Salzburg in the Tyrolian Alps to be involved in a conspiracy with the intent to commit mass genocide on the already persecuted land mollusks of the world.
Slugstein reminded The Paper of land mollusks’ origins in the fertile crescent, their unpopular history, and their plight into Egypt when the Dead Sea was used as a purgebath by Martians from Outer Space (see Pat Bond’s brilliant report on the origins of land slugs in The Paper, March ’82, trying to eradicate slugs nesting on the lower wings of their space saucers.
"According to latest reports, the renowned cephalopodic organization, Greensleasz introduced a bill to congress banning harmful substances to mollusks.
Greensleasz, located in the former Evolution Institute on Roblar Road in Petaluma is noted for its unceasing efforts to attempt to desalinize both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans. Their goal by the year 2000 is to make the waters safe for vacationing slugs and other land mollusks of importance: Currently, they are unable to bathe, during the summer months without bodily threat to self personal health. They maintain that their constitutional rights are seasoned by this problem.
The organization is currently lobbying congress to ban all sodium chlorides, better known as common table salts, from the face of the earth on the grounds that it is an illegal weapon, and when used in the wrong hands, is capable of molluskan genocide.
Spokeslugson for Greensleasz, Alfurred E ‘Zippy” Slugstein, who received the Mobile Piece Prize in 1981 for his brilliant research on saline solutions and disorders in Slugastronauts, stated in a slugscusive PAPER interview, “the time has come for all responsible citizens to band together and demand a safe, salt-Slack squeeze free world for our children to inherit.”
Slugstein sees the Dead Sea, King Neptune, The Salt Box at the Bottom of the Sea (see Grimm's Fairy Tales), Death Valley, the Salton Sea, and a tiny Austrian village of Salzburg in the Tyrolian Alps to be involved in a conspiracy with the intent to commit mass genocide on the already persecuted land mollusks of the world.
According to eminent Forestville chemist. Pat ‘Tootslug’ Bond, sodium chloride (NACl) forms square crystal, conducts electricity and kills mollosks by robbing them of their entire supply of body water. Says Bond, “We use it in science for dehydration purposes.” Her laboratory is currently under Investigation by the SPCA slug squad for possible mollusktation of Slugs.
Slugstein reminded The Paper of land mollusks’ origins in the fertile crescent, their unpopular history, and their plight into Egypt when the Dead Sea was used as a purgebath by Martians from Outer Space (see Pat Bond’s brilliant report on the origins of land slugs in The Paper, March ’82, trying to eradicate slugs nesting on the lower wings of their space saucers.
Millions and millions of land mollusks (they prefer the term Land Mollusk to slug which they feel is derogatory and connotes racial prejudice) who perished when they were forced to commit mass sluggocide after the Martians poured sodium chloride on them. They fled into the Dead Sea which was once a freshwater lake and turned it into a briny bath.
The Dead Sea was reputed to have bubbled over with an unusual froth for over two centuries after the massacre according to one of the survivors, Littlest BigHorn who is appropriately named because he lost most of his eye stalks during that battle.
MacArthur Littlest BigHorn, author of the controversial treatise on the turbulent history of the Land Mollusk League, Burying my Pseudopod in the Dead Sea, a seminal book responsible for the renewed militant slug, I mean the Land Mollusk Consciousness raising phenomenon during the last 20 decades.
When asked how he felt about Slugstein‘s proposal on the Dick Crabbit television show, Littlest BigHorn was unavailable for comment. However, it is rumored he did utter something about forked-tongued scientist under his breath.
Religious organizations all over the world including Shamnesty International and the Pope have verbally endorsed Slugstein‘s bill. Pope John O’Reilliozski said, “this atrocity is the worst thing that has happened to the world since the Irish potato defamation league invaded Poland.’
Local religious leader, jazz aficionado and award-winning paper columnist, the Reverend Bob Jones, who recently returned from a pilgrimage to South Sonoma, stated that the slugs (sic) of South Sonoma are uniting and overthrowing the unjust Saltinistas government and locking SALT leaders in atomic vaults. Jones supports Slugstein’s proposed bill.
Slugstein’s concluding statement was, “my toughest opponent trying to keep this bill from passing are SoNoMore slugs.” The anti-land mollusk group is purportedly backed by mafia pesto interests, in particular, the French Escargot Berets, who are noted for their unusual and unnatural hatred of mollusks and amphibians in general.
These interest groups are reported to have an annual income from “billions and billions’ of dollars’ worth of business selling illicit illegal salts on the black market to communist countries who are desalivating the oceans, according to noted economist Carl Saga. Slugstein has no future interest other than living beyond March 13, the proposed date for SLUGFEST.
No comments:
Post a Comment