Saturday, October 24, 1981

Half Moon Bay

        October 24, 1981

At another fair with Leo and Terry selling jewelry at Half Moon Bay. It may as well be Anacortes. Same gray sky, same great buildings. All the crafts I have no desire to buy are displayed enticingly.

I am bored with buying. I want it if it's a bargain. But there are no bargains at craft fairs. People work too hard to get there. They can't afford to sell for less. Why is it the only satisfaction I get is when I find something in need of love and repair, that I feel I'm shopping? Is it work ethic guilt? I doubt it. I enjoy the process of restoration.

Perhaps this is also the method I use in picking my men. Leo says I'm a storehouse of information. I'm a wonderful seller. Why don't most of the men I see catch my eye? Is it that I'm too hard to please? I am I too discriminatory? If I want children, and I do, I need to decide upon a man soon.

Lee is hopeless. Besides, I sent him a final goodbye letter. Ha, is there ever really a final goodbye? What to do with the man who loves you, but doesn't want you for a lover? Besides feel awful.

I have qualities and talents that most women don't possess. Some women possess a few of them, fewer have the talent to back it up. How do I market myself? When selling jewelry, I'm learning to size up who will buy and who won't. I thought I knew how to do that with men but now, I'm not so sure.

I found a wonderful man, a poet, sympathetic with my own writing, but only a few small problems. He lives on the east coast, teaches at NYU, has a wife and may even have kids nearer my age than he is to me. He is the best lover I've ever had, better than Lee and I thought Lee was very good.

Galway said to me if I didn't make love to other men, it would be a great loss to mankind. It was the way our bodies moved, the way our lips fit together that made it so special. He said my body was well muscled and strong, that I would be a good hiker. It's too bad we didn't have the time, he said.

Is it true what Lee said that "hard times for love, today?" Is there no hope? It is a month before my 29th birthday, and again I am alone.

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