Tuesday, January 10, 2017

All-out Eye Exam


Eyeball exam. Check. Cataract/glaucoma test. Clear. Check. Healthy eyes. Check. Prescription for glasses. Nope. Come back next week. Your eyes were caught cheating on the eye exam. They don't play well together. Right eye is a freeloader. A lazybones. A shirker. Gives the world the stinkeye.

Left eye wants to be on top. King of the mountain... Has eagle vision 20/15. Doesn't want to share. Is a loner (vs. a loaner!) I knew a woman with a glass eye...

Apparently I don't fit the patient profile. And my "guess" was right on. I need 150 readers for my left eye, and 175 readers for my right eye. But it's a lazy SOB, and it's probably a brain thing vs ocular.... I had a lazy eye as a kid. It's positively lethargic now.

Binocular specialist it is. Good luck with that, my eyes have never played well together. I can't even use binoculars. Monocular vision times two. Marty Feldman and gOogly eyed. Or maybe gecko-eyed. Think I'll stick with my Dollar Store readers which surprisingly close to the right prescription, more or less. 

My left eye rocks. It makes up for my lazy eye. But then, eye dominance is switched. Left eye/right brain. I wonder if it's related to dyslexia. You know those silly pilot tests, matching color/ shades, or seeing the embedded figure. I always score 100% (unheard of for the color chart). 

So they strapped on both red/green and 3D glasses on me. Apparently I'm using periphery vision to get by. Cheating on an eye test! Imagine. Maybe I need John Lennon glasses. Somehow I don't think prism lenses will work. Like, oh wow....

Driving home in the dark, in the rain, with dilated eyes, was like a bad acid trip. What do they put in those drops? LSD? Atropine is made from deadly nightshade and datura. Then we watched Arrival. OMG! Talk about tweaking out.

Groovy, man.

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