Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Possessed iPhone


Chris's iPhone and my cellphone are having a little tête-à-tête, a long-distance affair. It called my cellphone at least 6 times the other night—all night long. I'd no sooner get to sleep when it would ring its siren call—Mná na hÉireann—Lament of the Women of Ireland. A haunting melody.

I'd answer—no one there. We're deep in the Sonoma County hills and have poor cell reception in the canyon, so I can only send her very disturbed iPhone some random texts. Clearly, it's lonely. It called me right back within the hour and even left a few blank verse messages. Was it sexting
 me?

I was so tired from lack of sleep. Neil too. I thought about killing my phone but I needed it for the alarm function to wake up early in the morning for our poetry workshops. I finally put it on vibrate under my pillow. I had such strange dreams of earthquakes and horses running on paved roads.

So in desperation, I took my phone for a walk. Under the waning moon, I hiked to a ridgetop to get reception, dialed Chris, and got—Mexico. Then I began to imagine all kinds of scenarios. She was mugged, kidnapped, her phone was calling me for the ransom money
, but I couldn't answer it. No one there. What then? It was relentless. Apparently my friend's iPhone was busted skinnydipping without a wetsuit in the Sea of Cortez, and now it has the hots for my prime numbered dumbphone.

It's a real long distance affair (no matter that she and the iPhone are back in Vegas, baby. A case of extreme butt-dialing. Clearly, rebooting's not working for her. 

I finally had to block her number. I shudder to think what my phone bill will be. I've pay as you go plan. Now it's pay as you went. I will contact my phone carrier and see if we can stop the random charges, Nothing like a possessed, lonely smartphone and it's nearly Halloween. Somewhere in all of this is a story buried in a phone graveyard in another country.

A few nights later:

It's 3 AM. HI! I'm awake now thankyouverymuch!

Her iPhone must really be in love. It called my cellphone 16 times so, far, and keeps leaving blank little ditties in my message box. Is there any way she can delete my number (provided that she can restore her iPhone software), as a workaround? 


Unfortunately blocking her number didn't work, the iPhone can still call me. My cellphone doesn't ring. I disabled it. It vibrates and shimmies whenever the iPhone has left a message, though. Voicemail dutifully picks up every call and records nothing—no one is ever there, of course. Merely blank verse. Meanwhile, after every voicemail, the phone buzzes and spins like a sonic hedgehog with itchy 'roids. Torrid little thing.

So I pulled out the battery and SIM card—which doesn't fix the problem, Just lets me sleep. Unfortunately I had just put in $100 so now the iPhone's having a rare old time partying with my available minutes! Sort of like an open cocaine bar at a proctologist's convention. This could go on for a while. AUGH!

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Chris writes:
To all my Facebook friends: my iPhone got wet and became a psycho schizo thing from hell. It has been dialing people on my list and leaving messages from Mexico. If this happens to you and there is a cost, I will be happy to reimburse you. I have tried turning it off and doing a restore but so far nada. Otherwise, things are great! Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

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Sorry,
You are not the only one. It's off and unplugged and I'll be getting a new iPhone after wishing  this one a good long rest in the looney bin. I'll send you a check for any minutes that my iPhone has been gallivanting with yours. Just let me know how much. If it's any consolation, it kept me awake buzzing too, so finally unplugged. Tori got a call at 2 am.  Thank you Mexico!


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I texted Chris suggesting that she delete my number. But she can't reboot the iPhone. In desperation, I dismantled my cellphone, removing battery & SIM (stomping on it, was not a productive option). A whole lotta good that'll do. It has my number. I'm sure it's still calling my voicemail. Meanwhile, that leaves me equally cellphoneless in Gaza. So don't call me, already. OK? I'm not answering da phone. OK?

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Chris writes:
And the good news is: "ding dong the old iPhone is dead and gone." Stumped all the folks at Apple with its mad antics. Better news is that I only paid $39. for a new iPhone 5, with a recycle trade in allowance. If you consider that the old iPhone was free 2 years ago, I think I'm waay ahead. Anybody who incurred charges on their phones from my wacked out old one, just let me know and I'll cover the costs.

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