Parrot Joke Redux

© Maureen Hurley 2010

Awk! I couldn't find the version of the swearing parrot joke I liked—so I wound up rewriting it. The ones posted on the internet were pale (if illiterate) shades of the version I once heard—from my mom's cousin, Ranger—Big Ed Walsh. But Ranger could tell a story like no other. This pales by comparison.

So this fellow Bill inherited a particularly foul-mouthed parrot from a crusty uncle that swore so much he could make a seasoned sailor blush. He couldn't get rid of the parrot because he had promised to take care of it the rest of its natural life or forfeit the inheritance.

The parrot was so foul, the poor fellow couldn't invite anyone over. It was ruining his social life. Not to mention, his nearly non-existent love life. Once, Bill invited the parish priest over for tea. As he steeped the tea, the parrot let loose a string of invectives so vile that the priest fled, covering his ears in anguish, never to return, muttering something about his harbouring the devil incarnate.

Bill tried everything he could think of to break the crochety old parrot's nasty habit, to no avail. He tried offering savory treats as reward for good behaviour, he withheld sunflower seeds when the parrot was bad. He played it Mozart and Brahms. He slipped it tranquilizers. Nothing worked. If anything, the parrot began swearing even more!

In desperation Bill locked the parrot in the cupboard as he had a young lady coming over for dinner. The parrot thrashed around breaking the crockery while cursing a rather inventive string of invectives. The results were always the same. No matter what he did, or how he tried to explain it, his guests all fled in horror—whether it was from the parrot's words or because they thought Bill was odd locking up the parrot like that—we'll never know.

Finally in desperation, after a particularly searing swearing session, he stuck the blasted bird in the freezer to cool him off. The parrot banged around and swore a royal blue streak. Then, he was silent as the grave. The guy was quite worried, he thought he might have killed the parrot, so he opened up the freezer door.

The parrot cautiously stepped out, made a quaint little bow, and said, "Begging your most humble pardon, good Sir William. I have seen the light and I endeavor to mend my most errant ways. I will never let another foul word cross my beak again." The guy was amazed at the transformation.

Then the parrot asked, " By the way, may I most humbly inquire as to what the chicken said?"